This will not be a long ass post but probably will be the first and the last post for 2018 because I normally lack ideas of what should I do and write because I'm not that artistic like my friends.

Hi, it is the middle month of observing or Ramadhan. The Ramadhan itself is okay but the current condition or situation besides the holy month is not okay. First of all, this semester is sucks. Literally. We have to rush in everything until everything that I do almost fall apart. Well, apparently some of them had fallen apart. Which made a part of myself demotivated and broke down and whatnot fell apart too. This semester I grow weaker. Getting weaker day by day is not a thing that I can choose but here I am standing in my weakening body and soul. I am tired of everything. I am at this level where I don't know if I should continue to do it or stop. Because, at some points, my inner self tells me to stop, because I am too tired to handle everything at once. But my energy my soul would not let me give up this quick since I am already halfway through. And I guess I am not. Well, at least for now. Before the semester break, I had this massive I don't know if I should call this as disaster or word that related to that but, I was in a mess. I had back-to-back test 1 in the same week where I barely have enough time to study for the test 1 and I really ended up myself by getting the lowest mark after my additional mathematics marks during my SPM era. Dude. I swear, at that time, I don't know who should blame. Obviously, I would not blame Allah for planning this all for me but I was suffocated. Almost everything that I do this semester turns out to be ashes that blew away with the wind and became nothing, since it is ashes, it barely do things. That is how my progress. I almost give up praying to Allah because since I have seen my worst, I can't see any good in me. I see every bad thing in me. And that is how I grow weaker every day.


While I am typing this, I am trying to breathe slowly but I keep breathing heavily like there is something that burdens me a lot. I tried to help myself by thinking positive about my bad result but, every time I think about it, something will block my chest from breathing and I can barely breathe. The only thing I can do now is to bear. I don't know if I haven't pushed enough for myself, but I am really really tired from learning and studying because the more I tried, the lesser I get. This makes me think if I have depression or whatnot stress. Every time I think about the struggles that I have to go through, I will have this feeling where I want to puke, like there is something stuck in my throat and chest. Ironically, I never ever have felt this way before. So yeah, I guess that is it for now. See you when I need to pour heart my thoughts and heart out because I can't even describe how much pain that I have to bare. In my mind. And in my body.